Orgy

It all started one charming morning when the manager of the Firm called an impromptu board meeting of all the department heads and employees. A meeting, so precarious, everyone feared the worst. 

“Everybody, I want you to quiet down and turn off your phones,” said Mr. Davis, the manager of the Firm. 

People weren’t much quieter. 

“I will ask that nothing I suggest leaves this room. Not until it’s approved by everyone. And if you tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it.” 

They still weren’t totally quiet, but quiet enough for him to start. 

“Now you know our business has had a couple of setbacks lately,” remarked Mr. Davis, with barely noticeable hesitation, “And it’s no secret the morale has been down for the majority of you here. That’s why I want to start by announcing, that no one is getting fired,”

A large cheer of relief droned around the employees on the benches across the podium. The interns didn’t know how to react since they technically weren’t getting a penny anyway. 

“Silence, now,” the manager voiced. “That was not all.” The room rendered itself quiet once more. “Our team has been scattered, mentally, and it’s partly my fault. The past few months have been hectic, and they’ve shadowed your will to fight. I get that, we change that today,”

The executive staff seemed uncomfortable aboard the red-queued chairs behind the manager. The kind of discomfort only people who know what’s coming can only display. 

“I am bringing up today a solution that I believe will propel our company to better productivity,” continued Mr. Davis, “An orgy!”

For a second, the employees were all in a dreamlike pause. Their eyes glued to the manager and the executives behind him, silence speaking volumes the way it could only do. They thought the manager had, for a second, glitched. 

“Yes, I believe an orgy is the perfect activity to get everyone back in the groove,” affirmed Mr. Davis.

Suddenly, it was loud. Everyone permitted themselves to comment and laugh. The manager couldn’t contain the squeals and the howls. They couldn’t believe the words that had come out of their manager. 

But Since the beginning of the year, the Firm had lost its major clients, which included Governmental institutions, Nike, and the company that sold dildos.

And for months, the Firm’s sales headed down low. 

Even after polishing their offices, planning a rebrand and offering maternal leave to anyone who thought they’d caught a baby after choosing sexual pleasure to relieve them of work stress, even so, they found themselves against the wall. 

Until Mr. Davis stood high and mighty and suggested an orgy. 

“Wait, are you serious?” one of the employees asked, “Is it even appropriate?” 

“In your opinion, would you agree our company needs to maximise everything we have, or do you think we’re rolling nicely?”

“I think we need to improve,” said the employee.

“Glad we are on the same page,” said Mr. Davis, “We need to improve fast. Not in one month, not in the next quarter. No! Now,”

“I know you think it’s weird, inappropriate and probably scandalous that I suggested this idea. But trust me when I say we considered other options, and nothing proved even remotely efficient enough to put us on the map,” said Mr. Davis. 

“I contemplated the idea of having a company party on the beach. We would camp and hunt. Bring out our wild hunting instincts. But we scratched that, frankly because some of you might return traumatised,” said Mr. Davis, “Then we discussed organising a small office concert with Adele to cheer us up again,”

“Whoooo,” shouted an employee from the back row upon hearing the name Adele spelt out. 

“Yeah, it sounds enticing, doesn't it? But honestly, it wouldn’t help. Do you want to know why? Because we would be in a happy limbo that we witnessed Adele perform live, we would need time to wind down from the high, hence not much productivity in the first few days. That’s not what we want,”

The room growled. The manager sighed. Having Adele sing for them was probably what they actually needed. He himself was a big fan of her music. But he was under a lot of pressure from the board to boost the company fast and by any means necessary. It was exerting a toll on him. He had to deliver. 

“We don’t need Adele. No, we don’t need hunting or another beer-pong championship. We don't need Pizza Fridays to help us,” said Mr. Davis in a low tone, almost disappointed in himself. “We need to get out of our comfort zone and grab the horns of our morale and steer ourselves back to becoming the best marketing agency in this country again,”

“And the the orgy is the best solution here. It will be uncomfortable enough to make everyone comfortable with each other,”

“Some of us are married?” Shouted a voice in the room. 

“Yeah, we have boyfriends and partners and stuff,” launched another. 

Mr. Davis, though absorbed by his idea, struggled to convince his peers. 

“And you can bring your partners! There are no limitations or regulations whatsoever. We simply have to do this together. It’s the only way we get out of our shells and bond like no one has ever done. Truly know each other inside and out, no pun intended,”

Silence brewed over everyone. 

“Isn’t it a bit extreme? Like having an orgy is not a simple thing we can precisely do tomorrow. How sure are you that we would have the courage to do it?” an employee asked

“If there is one thing I’m sure of in this life is that people are always horny. And sometimes, the best motivation anyone needs is the thought of having sex with the person on the other end of the deal. 

“Think about it. If Adele walked into these offices right now and pointed at one guy to have sex with her, a bunch of you would jump at the chance immediately because parts of you are nasty and disgusting. The same works for girls,” said Mr. Davis, 

The room was silent again. 

“I see how boys here get to work earlier when they know the beautiful ladies are supposed to be at work early too. How girls can’t concentrate when they sit beside Lex,” everyone stared at Lex. The girls grinned and pinched each other. “The best way for us to go forward is if there are no secrets between us,” he said. 

Then he smiled.

“Now, might it change the dynamic of our company? Might it be a toxic way of working? Absolutely. But in the first few days, it will make everything better. The orgy might render all of you more horny than usual, and sometimes take your focus too. But not so much that your productivity will suffer in the next three or four months. So, how about we go for this plan and have the most amazing creative retreat in human history—come what may!” urged Mr. Davis. 

There was a sound wave of work spirit: “Yeahhhh!” 

“Now I need to know you’re all in on this,” said Mr. Davis, leaning as if to get intimate with everyone in the room, “Because this is not a formal plan and not everyone would see it as we do. I don’t want you guys running up to me, crying, ‘Mr. Davis, Manager Davis, we had the orgy that you suggested, and now no other company wants to hire us because they find us disgusting.’ Are you fine with that? Is anyone not okay with that?”

A few hands went up. A few more clapped for them. 

“You guys would rather choose Adele?”

Some voices affirmed. 

“What if we package you guys some concert tickets for when she comes into town? Would that be acceptable to you?”

They affirmed again, and their hands went back down. 

The others went up again. “What about sexual satisfaction?” asked a woman in a long blouse. 

“The men’s performance levels?” inquired the manager, 

“And dick size,” added the woman confidently. 

“I assure you all, whatever means necessary for everyone to be satisfied will be used, even pills,” affirmed Mr. Davis.

The entire boardroom gleamed with energy.

“I promise. I really do believe in this plan. I just needed to say that, full disclosure. But it looks like you guys are on board, right? I think this is a good decision, I do. An exciting one! So from this moment onward: I declare we’ll have our orgy tomorrow night. For urgent purposes." said Mr. Davis, waving his hands left and right. 

For a man who had spent his whole life with bold thoughts and directions, this was by far the most insane. 

"Are you excited, Firm? Are you ready for the most amazing retreat of all time? Do you want AN… ORGY?!”

The Auditorium shook with cheers. All the employees got swept away in it, even the ones who were secretly uncomfortable with the plan. Their shy need to keep their sexual lives away from work suddenly crushed to death forever by this unprecedented force of peer and authority pressure teaming up on them together, in a surprise attack, right in the middle of their auditorium, where nothing interesting had ever happened before. Except for the monthly National beer pongs. 

“All right. Now, nobody can say anything until we’re through,” said the manager. “Okay?” 

The employees nodded. Some waved a finger across their lips vertically to indicate shhhh, some waved a finger horizontally to indicate their lips were sealed.

“Nobody says anything,”

They nodded again. 

Everybody said everything.

The manager was fired soon after. 

The manager didn’t care. He was sick of it all. He figured something like this would probably happen. But he might as well go out this way, right? That’s what he figured. 

He had been at this job for a long time, and felt good about his decision. Whether the years had finally cracked his spirit or the shell around his spirit—who was to say, and, really, who cared?

Mr. Davis found a new calling. To nastily and with whatever means necessary, have sex with Adele--come what may.

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NOTE: I've decided to share some of my unpublished and ridiculous short stories / prompts on my blog to keep myself in check and in routine and to hopefully entertain you all. Hope you loved this piece, there's more to come.

Xo, Patrick Shyaka