The Elephant In The Room

The following is an alleged transcript between the Indian police and a renowned elephant that allegedly killed a 70 year-old woman and returned to trample her at her funeral. Sounds Familiar? This is the interrogation, almost exactly as it (never) happened.

POLICE: It is presently 1642 on October 24^th, 2022. Currently conducting an interrogation at Odisha Police station of case number 2022-0523. Mr. Elephant… Can I call you Ele? 

ELEPHANT: You may.

POLICE: I want to go ahead and get some basic info down here that we want to get ironed out for the report. You are 58 years old in human years and the youngest of 8 siblings, correct? 

ELEPHANT: Yes, and yes. Are you perhaps friends with Tarzan? 

POLICE: Last but not least, is your address for contact Simlipal National Park with phone number +91 657 8957 90? 

ELEPHANT: Hmm, afraid not. 

POLICE: Right! Because you escaped the park to kill an innocent woman.

ELEPHANT: Trick question, my lawyer said you would ask things like that. 

POLICE: We’re not trying to trick you, we’re just—

ELEPHANT: My lawyer told me you’d say that too.

POLICE: What then?

ELEPHANT: I changed my phone number, that’s what I was trying to tell you. 

POLICE: Oh okay. 

ELEPHANT: You have to listen. Do you treat everyone with a different skin colour this way?

POLICE: I’m not a racist. 

ELEPHANT: If you say so.

POLICE: Let’s proceed. Did you or did you not attack an innocent woman in her own village?

ELEPHANT: Why do you keep calling her innocent? 

POLICE: Because she was harmlessly fetching water. 

ELEPHANT: How would you know? Did you talk to her? Did she say that?

POLICE: No, she was, er, as you know, she died. 

ELEPHANT: Lol.

POLICE: Of course that makes you smile. Why did you attack her in the village?

LAWYER: Objection! 

POLICE: We have witnesses! Both at the village and the funeral where you came back to trample her! We have pictures tracking you as you fled the scenes. 

ELEPHANT: How do you know it was me? Not all elephants are raged maniacs, some of us are peaceful!

POLICE: Are you denying that this is you in the pictures? 

ELEPHANT: You picked up the wrong elephant! Yes! 

POLICE: Well, could you point us to the right elephant then?

ELEPHANT: I ain’t no snitch. 

POLICE: That was a rhetorical question, this is clearly you in the pictures. You still have the same bruise on your nose from when you pulled the body from the pyre?! It’s you! 

ELEPHANT: She started it.

LAWYER: Don’t say another word. He won’t say another word.

POLICE: Mr. Ele, talk to me. I can help you.

LAWYER: He pleads the fifth.

POLICE: He’s an elephant, he can’t plead the fifth, it’s not in his constitution.

LAWYER: Then he pleads the sixth! Unless you want to go on record and publicly state that my client has no rights.

ELEPHANT: She took our water. 

POLICE: Oh, okay Mr. Ele, er, when did she take your water?

ELEPHANT: 15 years ago. She built something that directed our water away from the park and into her village. We were forced to move and starve for weeks. 

POLICE: So it’s true, elephants never forget anything.

ELEPHANT: That’s absurd. We forget, just not people that hurt us. For example, I can’t name the last five meals I’ve had in the last two weeks. Oh wait, I do. It’s the same tree. 

POLICE: Mr. Ele, stay on topic please. How did you know where she was?

ELEPHANT: Her scent. She smelled like aged beer or buckwheat. 

POLICE: You know beers? Do you have beers in your park?

ELEPHANT: Ah, yeah! Me and my buddy Dumbo take a couple on the weekends. We like sitting by the water, drink the beers up till they are empty, then insert little notes in the bottles and send them to our lovers on the other side of the river. 

POLICE: Where do you find them? The beers, I don’t imagine there’s a supplier who makes beers for elephants, so you must be—

ELEPHANT: Are you calling us thieves now? You are racially profiling us man, not cool. 

POLICE: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. Let’s recap. The woman stole your water, then you found her and wanted to make her pay?

ELEPHANT: You have a good memory, are you sure you’re not friends with Tarzan?

POLICE: No, I’m not. Did you want to kill her?

ELEPHANT: Not really, I just wanted her to feel pain. And I’m glad she did. 

POLICE: Right up until she took her last breath. I was there, it was the saddest thing I’d ever seen.

ELEPHANT: I’m sorry. They never teach us that humans are so fragile. I swear our professors might be underpaid or something. 

POLICE: How did you know she died, and how did you know where she was getting buried?

ELEPHANT: Too many questions man, can I have something to drink? Like water?

POLICE: Mr. Ele, focus here. 

ELEPHANT: Or a can of beer. I like Heineken. I’m thirsty. 

POLICE: Mr. Ele, please, how did you know about the funeral?

ELEPHANT: I didn’t! At first. I was having a walk in town at the farmer’s market when I heard people talking about her and painting me as a villain even though she started it all. So in a moment of weakness, I followed her scent to the graveyard, hoping that I could convince her to tell everyone I wasn’t a villain.

POLICE: But instead she was dead!

ELEPHANT: No! She was hiding in a box, and no matter how much I shook the box, she stayed silent. What a bitch. Now I’m a villain as if no one remembers she took our water. 

POLICE: That’s the best and worst thing about people. They forget fast. And sometimes they judge too fast. 

ELEPHANT: Well not me. That woman was never innocent. Can I go now? 

POLICE: Wait, Mr. Ele, you just confessed to murder and the destruction of a graveyard and on top of that, to shaking a dead woman almost back to life. That sort of thing is religiously punishable. 

ELEPHANT: WHAT?

POLICE: I’m afraid Jesus Christ is the only one with copyrights to resurrect people. I’m sorry but I have to charge you to life in a zoo. 

LAWYER: That’s preposterous. My client is not mandated to a human justice system. He only answers to the king of the jungle for his crimes.

POLICE: He’s in our jurisdiction, we can do whatever we want. Take Mr. Ele here away.

ELEPHANT: You can't do that, I can walk all over you.

LAWYER: You can't detain him here, you don't possess the resources.

POLICE: We put a tranquilizer in his water. He's not going anywhere.

ELEPHANT: I'll never forget you, policeman. You will PAY! I want my phone call. I have a right to a PHONE CALL! 

LAWYER: We’re going to fight this, Ele. I promise you!

ELEPHANT: Bring me a beer when you visit! Preferably a Heineken! 

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If you made it here, thank you for reading. Let me put you on game:

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