ANNOUNCEMENT: MY BIRTHDAY IS CANCELLED THIS YEAR

Hi, Everyone,

Just writing to let you know that, in light of everything going on, my birthday is cancelled this year. (I mean, what isn’t?!) It just doesn’t feel right to be celebrating at a time when there are so many more pressing matters at hand.

Obviously, I’ll still be doing a small family FaceTime, immediately followed by a larger Zoom with my college friends and maybe three work friends, max, but that’s really going to be it. If each of you could prepare a few words to say on the Zoom and wear an authentic Moroccan fez to make it festive, that would be terrific, but, honestly, it’s barely even going to be a thing. I also read about a fun game where all of you hold up a sign saying which TV character I remind you the most of (please, nobody pick Thomas Shelby!), so we can do that at some point during the second or third hour.

Truthfully, I’ve never been someone who’s really “into” birthdays anyway, so this isn’t even hard for me. Cancelling my birthday was just the right thing to do, and I have not even for a second wavered on this decision.

For local people, I’ll be setting up a booth in Radisson Blu on Saturday, from 1 to 4 P.M., where you can wish me a happy birthday from a safe six-foot distance and, in return, I will use a T-shirt cannon to shoot you a T-shirt commemorating my cancelled birthday. F.Y.I., we tested out the cannon yesterday, and it actually shoots pretty far, so you might want to come ready to run.

At 2:08 P.M. (the time of my birth), we will be ceasing cannon use to blow bubbles. Prior to that, at one-fifteen (the time when I was almost born but my head went back in), all the salsa dancers will be lining up to deliver the traditional salsa birthday salute. I’ve heard it’s incredibly moving.

I know this sounds like a real bummer of a birthday to most of you, but, honestly, I’m not thinking of it like that! It’s just what I want this year. I even told Lizzy not to worry about a cake. All I want is a small croquembouche, homemade from scratch, and for the first thing I see when I wake up to be a series of oil paintings depicting your favorite memories of us, followed by the release of balloons in the color of my birthstone. Aside from that, I literally don’t want a thing! If anybody makes a fuss, I’m seriously going to be pissed.

For the birthday parade of cars that will be taking place at six-thirty (and which I could care less about, frankly!), the only thing I’d ask is that everyone stick to cerulean-shade vehicles, models 2016 and beyond. I really don’t want to spend the entirety of my cancelled birthday looking at a bunch of old cars.

Anyway, hope you all understand, and that you are staying safe and well in this crazy time. (I meant to say that in the beginning, but I guess I forgot.) Also, happy birthday, Ben! I can’t make your Zoom party, as I’m going to be lying down at that time.