For My Next Trick, I’ll Have Sex Live on TV

Sex sells. 

It’s the motto of our generation. My whole blog peaked because of sex talks. A lot of your favourite stars blossomed because of it. Some even believe it’s the key to immortality. Nick Cannon can riposte on that. 

Growing up in a world where you were a champ knowing every pornstar name possible, discussing sex acts was rather exhilarating. You all remember that biology chapter on reproductive systems, right? 

However, those charming days were long gone by the time we reached high school. Because then it was just downhill from there. 

In no time, the sex scene got flooded by a surge of porn sites that we childishly succumbed to. Then exciting movie scenes that gave us a little glimpse into less raw romance showed up starring a person called Grey and his 50 shades.

And don’t get me started on nudes and naked insta pics. Whether it was the sloppy big dicks of Trey Songz or Jesse Williams or the enchanting body of Tiwa Savage, Bella Thorne, and more, we met them halfway in shivers, salivation, disgust and horniness like none other. 

Sex was, in a matter of blinking seconds, a public domain, and never again would it become intimate. But the reality is that sex results in STDs and babies that most of you don’t want.

With everything finally out in the open, there was no point in promising love or flirting because everyone was getting laid left and right. You just had to be attractive or have game, and there you'd go, flying high like a kite in everyone’s private parts. 

The dating scene crumbled like a declining empire. Why would anyone be in a relationship when either would eventually cheat or already have other options they can booty call anytime of the night.

Boys kept filling their egos, shouting to everyone that they shagged with the popular girl. Ladies kept giving their BFFs passes to the guy who handled threesomes like no other. 

Sex is good. Amazing even. I’m addicted. You’re casually in rehab for the fifth time. But I don’t want my love life or sex life to be public, even though it is when everything has seen the light of day that we know who we’re with and their secrets. 

If I know your girlfriend, and I’m a decent person, I won’t go after her. But let's be honest, I’m half as decent as a hungry tiger. So are you. Yes, you reading this with a sophisticated look.

I could take advantage of these changes since everyone already is, and maybe launch a career in steamy on-screen sex scenes to become famous or start an Onlyfans where threesomes would be like breakfast. 

That would sell. I would become such a sensation that no one would ever remember sex tapes were ever a thing. Old me would have started googling how to enter the “Brazzers” community. I believe you are familiar with it.

Life would be easy. Lots of money, tons of sex, popularity and the sense of power over ladies the same way Johnny Sins has. I can still do it. 

The fact is, the world has never seen any Rwandan sex tape roam around the internet. Sure some nudes have been exchanged over Twitter, hell, maybe your mama sent some to a bunch of niggas back in the day when they would offer her flowers and a card. Too soon?

NASA is trying to display nudes to attract aliens. Somehow they’ve become the equation to persuasion. How is the world not on pause right now? 

But despite all of this, you haven’t seen a Rwandan man naked live on TV. Honestly, this industry needs to start as soon as possible. How do you lots bring KFC here, but not an adult film production company? 

There seems to be no way of returning to the good old days where sexual relationships were a topic of only two people, so we might as well enjoy this freedom. Because at the end of the day, who really hates that the future leaders of Rwanda are using such amounts of condoms than are imported? 

Well, to appease your concerned mind, I am the only Rwandan left who hasn’t shared their nudes anywhere, and unfortunately, not out of self-respect because then I wouldn’t be doing this. 

I am also the only Kigalian guy who's never been caught cheating or dating multiple women simultaneously, because I am a loser. 

And as for the TV station that will be stupid enough to share my oiled-buttocks live with the whole country, I can only say it won’t be just one station publishing my godly work on air. 

Research in the plain field showed me that Rwandan TV producers have increasingly become women over the years. And when they peek at the opening shot of my sex tape, either they will lose any control of dismissing it, or they will want to grab onto the thing that will write their names in stone by cancelling the daily evening news and putting up the best work of their lives. 

And yes, I'm talking to you RBA. 

Now mind you, I have indeed hired the best-supporting actress whose identity I can’t disclose at the moment, but she has all the juicy skills that make porn, sorry, adult movies, seem like a pile of shit under other piles of shit covered by piles of shit. Okay, It’s Shaddy Boo. God, pressuring much?!

She’s that good. Last night’s test filming will leave me marked for life. It is the kind of show you'll want to watch on the couch with your parents. At least now, we would have something to talk about other than Miss Rwanda’s tragic foreseen end, or CHOGM.

However, there resides a rather big problem that could practically result in the whole production stopping, I suck in bed, and my dick is small. So, the budget for visual effects would be insane. 

And this would be all exciting if I was indeed going to do it. However, common sense came to me–I know, it’s wild I have one of those– and I realised I would only be fulfilling the prophecies of the Bible and bringing our world to an end. Let me leave that job to Americans.

It is a fact of life that some things become less important as you get older. And one of them is sex. Look, it’s ok, you wouldn’t turn it down if offered, but would you give up a cup of coffee and a slice of cake for it? 

It’s such a lot of fuss. All that… preparation… and always the nagging suspicion that you’re not doing something quite right. It’s fantastic when it works out well for both of you, but let’s face it, so is Sudoku.  

It’s the painful reality that though many people won’t dare say it, they like their sexual intimacy to be, well, intimate. And that sex itself is never truly that amazing if it’s just out of lust and no feelings. 

We are used to having one-night stands every weekend coming out of the clubs, or dare I say Cocobean. And it’s fun. But with time, you become immune to all of it since your dick has been around town, and you can’t quite settle with just one girl because you want them all.

I’m not speaking from experience, but I think that’s what happens, right? Let me know.

And for a loser like me, I can’t have them all. And I don’t think I want to. Yes, I know I’m contradicting myself if you’ve read past articles, and yes, this article is totally different from what the title suggested it would be, but let’s be frank, would you have opened an article named “for my next trick, I’m going to become a good guy”? Fuck no. Boring as hell. 

All the internet has taught us is that feelings are never mutual and hence should be eradicated in the pursuit of pleasure, but I know you know it is when coupled with feelings that sex becomes much more than just fucking.

And we might not understand this or believe it at the moment, but I’ll fucking go live on TV and make sure I put it inside you to remember when that time comes. 

For my next trick, I’ll truly become a good guy who will still be naked and proud as I deliver the most steamy and arousing TED talk in the history of TED talks. You’re all invited. The ticket is having sex with me. 

Also, how do I get away with saying these things every time? Must be the eyes. Catch me on BTN tomorrow night to find out.