The Subtle Art of Being an Average Dick

Keep in mind that If you read this and you are not 18+, I don't have any way of tracking if you lied. So read at your own risk. And if you are above the age at which suddenly you can enter nightclubs but you’re still an angel in your heart and mind... screw you, you better read this aloud for your family.

*Voice check*

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an article about being a virgin and all of a sudden I felt like Lil Nas X in Montero. The mixed feelings, the acknowledgement, the love, the girls I’ve flirted with who weirdly left me on read; it was all too much.

With it though, came a clarification that for some reason people loved it because they could relate, because they too, felt and lived that way. Which in conclusion meant that I was pretty normal. That my story was pretty normal. One could even say, it's average. Not the kind of story that has a man saving New York while wearing underwear, but the kind starring a timid boy having erections every five minutes.

It was not the type of recollection that lured people into the cinema. I mean the only time people root for typical men winning is in porn movies or as my family calls them, “the shackles of big dick swinging sluts who are unable to masturbate”; When the shy guy happens to land a girl three times out of his league.

That's the only time average people have all the attention, after the female characters of course. And even in this case, the film ends up showing our normal guy becoming a total hard guy… literally.

Now it's one thing being average, and it's another having a dick, which is pretty normal on earth unless aliens in the future tell us it should have been cut with the umbilical cord at birth.

When you are average like I am, you're neither a genius nor the lame kid that spends all day sleeping and farting in the back of the class. You're not excessively good looking, like for example, the last time I was called cute or handsome was by my mother when I was ten. You're neither hot nor cold, like Beyonce's backup dancers. You are good at dancing but you are not the star of the show. And to top it off, even when bad things happen, they come in average sizes like one-sided headaches or being gifted a phone with no charger.

For most of us, being an average person means doing the same boring thing that everyone else does, and not being exceptional at it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but for me, not being exceptional enough is a problem.

Do you know what it feels like to always feel insecure in the presence of others? To know that you are not Kendrick Lamar on the flow or famous for always being drunk like Jack Sparrow. Oh, you do? Well, we have a focus group that runs every Saturday in my basement while others are out drinking the souls and dicks out.

However, the biggest fear for an average man like me is having an average dick. Now for you to understand, correlate this with my last article. As you all know, I'm a virgin and I don't know any better. But I suppose that by overcoming a certain itching need to get laid and finally finding the person to get it on with, a new problem will surface. One with crippling terror and unsleeping reign. A mosquito anxiety like no other.

"What if I'm incapable of pleasing the woman I've fasted and spent the whole week praying for, just because I have an average dick?"

For the record, I don’t have an average dick. At least I don't think so… What’s the length of an average dick again?! I will assume it's 5 inches. And I know for a fact that despite the politeness of ladies when faced with such an abomination of a dick, they really want bigger. Okay, it’s not a fact, it’s just what my mind is insecure about most.

I don't know if any other person in this world has ever worried about it. Especially any guy above average (in dick size). But when the other day I was surfing the internet a.k.a pornhub, an ad came out of nowhere and onto my phone screen like it felt my bedsheets being lifted by something else other than my hands and knowing it will never have another chance to get my attention like that.

And while this is gross, the next part will be even grosser. Because the ad was a thorough walkthrough on the medical pills made to help me increase the size of my dick. Yes, you heard it right. Nothing surprising, but something I hadn't minded before.

Except this time, it dawned on me that maybe all the badassness I'd always felt I would bring to the table when the deed finally happened might just prove all along that I need to buy those pills. Because I've seen this before. People holding a moment so mighty when it actually takes place it's not that magical anymore. Like my cousin who longed for an Xbox only to realize he sucked at playing video games, or my sister who wanted more than anything in the world to have her hair done Ariana Grande style only to find out it's not that comfortable.

I'm sure you relate to this, the insecurity that drips down like a fountain when someone is pissing down in it. At that moment, having realized I'm an average guy who needs something to stand out, something like a career or a talent or a photoshoot starring me naked like Lil Nas X. I instead prompted myself to be more than average... in bed!

Yes people, I bought those pills! Best decision ever! I tell you boys it has done wonders! I've not only lost my virginity but as Barney from "How I met your mother" would say, it’s legen--wait for it--dary!

*sigh*

Nah, the true story though, that website was a scam. Wound up losing $20 that night for no damn reason. I could have used them buying beer for my buddies who would hook me up with girls. Instead, the only thing I got was a call from the bank notifying me they were suspending my bank account until further notice.

So you see kids, nothing good ever comes from wanting things. Even if those things were about to change your life forever from two to three rumours spread around town about a guy with a huge dick who's single and only available for one night stands. I will hold onto this dream in case my life as an adult movie star kicks in.

But seriously, there are so many trivialities in males’ lives than what the immortality of the queen of England can hold. Being average in real life stomps on you hard because you realize at some point that you are not special and have to accept it and hopefully, life will one day lead you to a beautiful mare that will laugh at your jokes and love you and find you so interesting even if her parents will stop at nothing to separate you.

Because even if we complain endlessly about our inability to be more than the norm, no one is average. Not really. You gotta find your sense of purpose or passion and pursue that, and that will turn everything upside down. Seriously, look at Messi, do you think he'd be a renowned football legend if he hadn't chosen that path, he probably would have been a very simple and average short lad in Spain.

That's what I learnt sitting down shamefully in GT Bank's manager office. The truth that had haunted me for days. No one can understand what being an average dick means. How the fear of sucking in bed collides with being an actual dick to people who dare question your fear while also colliding with the insecurity that all this is happening because you're average while exceptional people like Ndimbati are cruising a sea of Chicken Wrap plates.

And it hurts knowing that maybe every normal person feels this way and that I couldn't even have this for just me. Even though this thing was a weird desire to increase my penis.

The only way to fully overcome this fear and this way of life is explained easily by the writer, Shivam, as he says, “Our definition of calling something extraordinary depends on how well it has been executed. What we fail to understand is that life works on the basis of trade-offs. You need to sacrifice something to achieve something. You need to leave one path in order to cross another. That means you cannot be the master of all trades and that sounds genuine enough.” Hope this helps.

So that's the subtle--not so subtle--art of being an average dick. It can’t be explained any more thoroughly. It’s a lifestyle. I hope you never fall in its pit because I tell you, people will piss down that pit.

**(Subscribe to get notifies first and also why has no one invited to get me laid so I stop writing these kind of articles? Huh?)**

Bloopers:

"Have you also wondered how average is the low point? Like there's nothing below average, it goes up like a hard dick. Too soon?!"

"If this article gets taken down for uncensored words, I will hunt you down and let my cousin beat your ass. He might suck at video games but he is the real-life Tommy Shelby."

“Do you know what the most shitty thing about being average is, the one thing that rules them off? In fact, if this thing was to disappear, life would be so great and no one would feel average? The constant complaints.“