I Want A Relationship, But...

Inconveniently to most, dating is hard work. Work that requires a strong game with ladies, a tremendous sense of humour, maybe a nice physic—preferably tall and shredded, money, but really, anyone that’s not me. Yeah, my insecurities are kicking in.

The trials of searching for a girlfriend have always been intelligible. Like a chess match, every play has to be very well calculated, since there are a bunch of similar two-legged men wandering around in girls’ phones, shooting their shots and almost always missing. And whatever skills you have that arouse her or gets her interested, it’ll still be a fight.

So, my genius ass never wanted to take part in such frivolities. I wasn’t going to spend my nights pinning my head on what to do or say for a girl to notice me, let alone accept a date with me in a restaurant I would have to borrow money for. And at times, I thought that the reason I wasn’t pursuing the person I liked, was that I feared she’d eventually realize what kind of loser I am, and dump me.

But that wasn’t the reason. I mean, everyone will tell you that they are afraid of catching feelings only to later be hurt. That people are in it for games. Or that they are broke or too busy for such fantasies. And the truth is, we’ve changed the face of relationships to a materialistic enthusiasm that revolves around sex, dinners, shopping sprees, and sex again; that you can’t judge someone being too careful for their emotional health and time.

No, the reason I can’t seem to go along asking a girl out, is that I’m afraid of who I will become if it ever worked out. I know this is cliché. All my life I’ve known myself wanting to be someone’s soulmate, for the idea of me taking care of another person was beautiful and intruding. However, I also wanted to bang it out with the sexy secretary at my doctor’s office, but who gets what they want in this world?

Seriously though, I fear that I might be boring or unaffectionate at some point in the relationship. That somehow, all the pictures I’ve imagined just won’t be taken. That somehow, she might get wearily of me, or me of her. That somehow, the girl I always thought was the love of my life, would turn out not to be. I fear that I lose myself trying so hard to please her.

However, I fear most that she actually accepts to be my girlfriend. Because I don’t know what they do in relationships. My friends laugh when I ask, I can’t interrogate my parents, and I’m not about to take advice from movies, those shits would make sure I go broke in just a week.

Is the point of relationships watching Netflix together? Is it having matching tattoos? Is it posting each other on social media? Is it having intimate moments where one shares their childhood trauma that somehow involves a horny stepfather and a TV, while the other simply hugs the tears away? Is it any of these? Or is my mind unaware that I should get laid first before imagining a future with the ladies I meet on Twitter.

I’ve been stuck on this side all my life that I can’t even see myself passing through the corridor. Maybe I would be happy there, or miserable like all these dudes that swallow vodka on a Monday night, but at least I would have jumped the fence. And isn’t life about risks, experiences, good and bad? isn’t it? ISN’T IT?

I may be insecure about my thinness and the fact that I have a belly. I may also doubt my capacities to get a girl to like me, especially when she has twenty-two other niggas ravaging her phone. I may back down every time I’m met with an obstacle. I may think that this self-sabotaging thing I do will perhaps one day land on a girl that will have pity for me and maybe love me in the latter. I may want a relationship so bad that I don’t count all the crushes I would have to sort out or all the girls I lied to with ‘my heart only beats for you’ bullshit.

But the truth is, nothing lasts. I’ve witnessed it, heard it and if I do go through with my feelings, I’ll live it too. Deep down I know I’m not worth it, and it’s guys like me that always fuck it up with our insecurities because we think we never deserved the girls in the first place.

So yeah, it’s all hard work. Work that involves going to the gym, working overtime at our 9 to 5, and elevating our confidence. Really getting our shit together. And that’s a whine up in the pitch!

This should be a Hulu series. “Tall dude recovers confidence to date after writing an article about it” It’s a long title I know, but wait until you see the episodes.

On that note, who wants to be my girlfriend? I already have my ps5, and chocolates are free at my place. Well, my dad’s place to be precise.