The Last 'Virgin' Standing

*My name is Patrick and I'm a virgin. And to the crowd: "Welcome Patrick!"*

In this modern-day and age of 20s, being a virgin roughly clicks "Weirdo". You would not think that this would be the mindset in Rwanda, maybe the US, after watching American Pie. But not in this country, where the most sexual thing ever seen on TV was Seburikoko's shirtless abdomen.

But recently, and for that's when I realized, it has occurred to me that I'm the only person of my generation who's been watching "Sex/Life" and "Fifty shades of Grey" whilst only dreaming of how it feels.

Because of the not-so-shocking reality, everyone I know has got a taste of that creamy roller-coaster ride... I think that's what sex feels like, does it feel like that?

Anyways, I'm well aware that most of you are now wondering, is he really a virgin? And don't get me wrong, I know all there is to know about sex. The positions, the foreplay, the ridiculous amount of time one needs to put in to have a sexual partner when they are not that attractive, and whether to allow themselves to catch feelings or move on the tinder one-night-stand train.

But to answer the question I supposedly think you are asking, yes I'm a virgin. Now I know Twitter is going bonkers with this. Sorry to all the girls I lied to pretending I was Trey Songz 'cousin. I only meant well, for me of course.

To explain this further, no, it's not a religious thing. I've just been handed the worst cards in the deck. I've wandered through life like any normal teenager, horny. But the shyness held more ground than the sexual intensity. So, I went with it thinking at some point it would decimate and I would embrace my new rigorous sexual self and hop on any hot looking mare I would meet. But jokes on me.

Today, it seems that the game of philanthropic fornication has got a little out of hand and I'm the only one left without a charity in my name. We call each other hoes on the internet, and I guess being dirty-minded is already a hoe move. But really, I can't watch a show like "Too hot to handle" and not feel depressed, for, at my age, I should have already taken part in the symbolic ritual that is... SEX!

I should probably have named this article "The last virgin crying"

Lately, I've been binge-watching "Big Mouth" so I can get a better vision of what went wrong in my adolescence stage. I know I got my pubic hair a little late, like 2 years late. My maturity was way off, to be honest. My sense of humour resided in my writings and the insecurities were just popping like acne every day. None of those is excuses of course, but as Big Mouth keeps reminding me, Girls got taste! And for sex, I surely wasn't it.

If you're wondering if everyone really went through “changes”, then yes. I didn't believe it either, but as a shortsighted and not proud virgin man, I held a short experiment. I took it upon myself to ask some of my friends the craziest places they hooked up and what was their state of mind at that time. Pretty straight forward right? I was ready for grimaces and laughter, pushes and long stares, but these fuckers had the audacity to actually tell me the truth!

The club bathroom sex, the shower fool around, the drunk or high fucklings, the one-night-stands, the fuck buddies and friends with benefits; everything was spilt and marked with their genitals. Be it, boys or girls, they just bragged and bragged and instead of feeling the urge of ending their amazing lives, I just felt aroused and envious.

As they described each scenario, I felt like Will Smith in "The Last Man Standing", and the dog my virginity. I have been stuck alone with the thing that haunted my very being. It was heartbreaking, terrifying even. I felt like I was in the post-production of an adult movie and the actors were caressing my back.

I don't wish it on anyone else, but if you want to do the same experiment and not start on a wild level like I, ask your pals the weirdest porn searches they ever made. Surely they will laugh you off or be real with the answers, but at the end of the day, I won't be the only virgin living. And no, that won't make me feel better, you loser!

*sigh*

Anyways,

Do I wanna lose my virginity? Of course! Otherwise, why the fuck would I have written this article?! I want to be knee-deep in PUS-SAY! I'm not one of those guys that want to wait for marriage. I mean that would be sane, but I think it won't even get to marriage if the girl I'm with suddenly realizes my body count is close to zero if you count the self-gratification numbers.

So yes, I want to canoodle, to copulate, to get laid, to hit a home run, to hump, or any other fucking slang out there that means I want to go crazy while still protecting myself from STDs because they suck. So, no hookers for the first month.

I want to know what the whole world has been going through (literally). What men for centuries have been stupidly fighting for! Because I can’t with these useless boners. Too visual? Guess you're a virgin too!

Alright toddlers that’s enough for today, Leave a comment if you enjoyed it, preferably your burner phone number so we can get it on! Yeah, you know what I mean!

*This piece is a part-fictional article, part humour, part all of it is fucking real*