I'm a Simp, So What?!

Fundamentally, simping is defined as an act of doing way too much for a person you like. Basically, instead of winning girls over by your charm and attractiveness—which most of us don’t have—you rather become submissive to them in hopes they like you back.

And truth be told, I’m a simp over black women! Gorgeous, smart, and classy?! Give me that any time of the day!

However, there is a point in this shenanigan of an article. Read carefully.

So, I opened Twitter on a Friday night, I had just spent my day at work, and all mustered and tired, I decided to scroll easy and see what’s been happening all day as the app’s slogan says. Then out of nowhere—well out of my timeline—I saw a tweet that demeaned the simpness of men?!

At first, I ignored it, but then it resurfaced an hour later on my third opening of the app because apparently nothing good was on TV and I was bored. So then and there, I got angry. As a simp myself, I saw this tweet as a form of attack and discrimination to the people of the world who can’t afford to be alphas or to the least, confident.

So, I decided to stick it to the man. In this case, the woman. And of course, I had to be cautious, it was, after all, women’s history month, and words on Twitter are like fragments of glasses if they happen to be in your ass.

So you know what I did? Do you want to know? I did… nothing! I'm sorry but I did nothing. As a simp, I started stalking her to get trash but instead stumbled on her pictures, next thing I knew I was fantasizing about what it would be like being with her, and all the wonders I would offer her, so I ended up sliding in her DMs. Those were the worst forty minutes of my life.

What did you expect? That I engage in a super-emotional traumatic battle that would result in the demolition of my home’s Wi-Fi when she wins?! No, no way!

From a guy that back in high-school was nonchalantly in my feelings and obsessed with half the schoolgirls—and one time wrote letters to my crush and got none replied to because firstly, it wasn’t the 80’s, and secondly, I was ugly and broke— fighting ladies doesn’t work for me.

I’d rather be a simp than a trash-bag of a man, mistreating any lady on their way. I mean it sucks being all that weak in front of a person, but man, even you dipshits looking down on me right now are weak at something. Afraid of heights maybe, or even shitty cooks.

Truth be told, the world I live in is not dazzling nor is it like that one episode of Bojack Horseman when he gets his Oscar win and partied the whole week. It’s not that interesting, and honestly, I’m not even that attractive.

So the only way it is for me to have someone get super close, is if I meet them at another person’s interesting event and brag about how awesome I am at writing articles and poems, and hope they are like “Wow, you are so amazing, can I get your Instagram?!” and I’d gladly say ‘shortsighted’ which I’d know would impress them further, and it would.

Then, I’d keep impressing them for weeks, giving them my time and attention, occasionally taking them to dinner, learning new skills like cooking so I can dazzle her, take them shopping each month while also keeping in my wardrobe my grandma’s wedding ring, which I think she gave to me partly because she removed it once and couldn’t put it bag again and just surrendered.

I know this is a new level of simpness, but in my defense, I was madly in the feeling Hollywood calls ‘Love’. Yes, that actually happened, and I am only 23! So what?

And I say this because people in this modern twitter-era world will call me weird and a loser because I dared step into simpland. But what you have to understand is that everyone has their own way to reach things, and some of us choose the less taken, and humiliating road. But again, so what?

Of course, I’d rather be a pimp but not all of us are alphas or can endure wearing suits with fur every day or any other superficial shit pimps have got going on.

However little proud of being a simp I am, and however incrementing the need to change grows, you are not allowed to judge me, at least not before signing a waiver that stipulates your new found need to help me get girls without spending a dime or a sweat.

If you agree to that, I might even go to ‘Urban dictionary’ and add under the definitions of simping: “It’s like getting used to cheap coffee! It’s coffee and It’s cheap, what else could one ask for except the occasional scratching in your throat by a servant who is tired of seeing your face every morning.”

Right?! That serves it justice don’t you think? Well, I guess that settles it.

Have a good day!