The Cougar of Feelings and The Sex Doll of Attention

With this article, I wanted to skip the lust and sex jokes, the "poor me has no bitches" rants and the stories that derive from such spacious temporal admissions.

Today, I want to get close to love and my nature with it. Because for so long, I have had trouble enunciating myself and my need to be in relationships or friendships due to my shyness, lack of confidence, and overall undervalued attractiveness to women.

In history, as men, we are regarded as slapdash and cruel people. And though it's all true, I've encountered similar attributes in my journey as a hopeless romantic to finding the love of my life. Yes, I believe in that, but only when it happens, which it hasn't, which speaks a lot about me as a person.

Like most people, I have fallen into what I thought to be love countless times. Throughout my adolescence stage, my maturity stage, the period in which I thought every woman was a hoe (not proud of that), the Instagram models phase, the pornstars (don't you dare judge me), and now, the I'm done stage.

It's no news that I have tried to be in a relationship with every crush I ever had in my life. Honestly, who didn't? But either my face would turn pale every time I met them in person, or I was in competition with nineteen wealthier and more handsome stallions in the same mission, or just coward-ed in front of commitment.

So, I dived deep into my sorrow and becoming better at writing to comfort me and hopefully bring me more fame and girls, which it did a little.

I wrote and wrote, slid through DMs and, for once, didn't get left on read. Most of the time, I wasn't even the instigator. It felt nice. But I was selfish and greedy, hence having crushes on other women who didn't particularly want me or showed any interest.

The irony sorted itself out as "young man who always wanted to be loved, is looking for love where it's not".

It turned out that I was filling a void that even I didn't understand. A void that seemed to elude family love, friendship and all, and instead stayed up all night in the pursuit of being hugely popular and having tons of sex. In a way, I was parting ways with love.

Until, it returned.

This time, it wasn't beauty from the girls that created all those feelings inside me. It was the care and attention. The women in my life who strangely started to be concerned with my welfare gained all my heart. And whilst they did everything out of friendship, I would want more.

Realising that I won't get what I wanted, the feeling of being special they'd created in me would soon fade. The fact that I would be a girl's favourite person to hug would be tremendous for me until I'd find they do the same for everyone. And BOOM, pathetic me would implode, start sabotaging whatever relation I had with the girls in question, and that would be it. I would lose my friends. Childish, I know.

In the eyes of the world, I might be cool. But deep down, I’m a sucker for attention, recognition, and being loved every second. A thing that you can’t actually control. My feelings are a rushing rollercoaster from “I am happy” to “I don’t deserve this”. It’s like being deepthroat fucked by my emotions. The cougars reading this relate.

To me, having no one was better than having an illusion. I want my personal person. Not having to get lucky phone calls inviting me to hang out but to always have people around.

And while I was pushing people away because I thought I loved them and they didn't, it would actually hurt them too. Because, they did care about me.

After quite the self-searching, I've realised it's all for the better to stop giving in to love. Some people might love me romantically, and I'm sorry If I haven't found the passion in me to love you back. I am no "Future" or "Lori Harvey", but I am quite an abomination myself.

My feeling syndrome not only applies to romances or the lack thereof, it applies everywhere. If you gave me the time of your day and I craved it, but you pulled out, I would ultimately spiral down a rabbit hole of self-discovery and, unfortunately, choose to leave your life because I would think I was not worth your love in the first place.

That's me. I'm not just a sex-deprived shortsighted man, I am also the kind that will end my blogging days because I am not receiving enough recognition and support I desired. I am ungrateful. I am trouble.

One day, this girl who’d put me in the friend-zone once told me how liberating it would be if I ever loved people without expecting anything back. That it's the best way to live. Personally, it sounded shitty. Why would I love someone wholeheartedly without getting anything in return? It's ridiculous.

Having that chain of thought, however, drew me back to some of my earliest articles, where I explained that love is the answer and drive for a better humanity. Friendship was indeed the best love. Not entanglements or situationships. Just friendship carrying the world.

In retrospect, maybe that's why I have always been miserable. Maybe, I need to give love and stop expecting it back as if it was on Santa's Christmas list. Perhaps I should be like her, like many people in my life who purely love for love.

I am not sure I will follow the outcome of this internal affairs dispute inside of me that I've chosen to put on paper. But I am going to try. Because, after all, what else do I have?

I don’t want to cut off people I care about anymore. I don’t want to be sad anymore.