How to Celebrate a Heartbreak

I seriously doubt that your love life has been a shitshow like mine these past few weeks. I fell in love with a light skin lady who was not interested, seduced a slay queen who spent all my money on a cocktail named "BAD BITCH", and signed up for Tinder, though I got overwhelmed by all the hoeing on the app.

I even spent two weeks in a talking stage with a catfish, knowingly, to at least see if they would treat me right, but even they sucked.

I've had enough.

And if you too went through a breakup recently, rejected after a load of time and money spent, or simply the person you're into is already being cuddled by a better version of you; today I'm going to share tips on how to overcome the pain you’ve endured. You will, without a doubt, forget Valentine's day is close. Oh shit, I guess I’ve spoiled that part.

Now I won't give you the "let's have ice cream and cry" advice because, frankly, I don't see how that helped Ariel Wayz. I will, however, tip you off on the best ways to celebrate your heartbreak. Because it's not a sad moment but time to fucking turn your world upside down. So here we go.

First up, sign up for a gym membership and boxing training because we’ve all seen Floyd Mayweather’s mansion, and that kind of money will surely make your ex jealous.

Buy a new sound system. They might have broken up with you because you're no fun, so this is the time to get your groove on, dance moves ready, and a very loud rock n roll playlist for your speakers, just in case your ex is also your neighbour.

Accept your friends’ invitations to go to the club each day of the week where drugs, drinks and hookers will never break your heart. Plus, an opportunity to showcase those dance moves you’ve been practising in the mirror at home. You can also book a stripper for each weekend at your house, again, to show your ex you’re having more fun.

Since you’ve experienced the skipping of your heartbeat every single time you found yourself engulfed in the euphoria of love, consider bungee jumping. You’ll find it's more suitable in stopping your heart from beating ever again for another person.

Take a road trip to Kibuye. The dizzying roads heading there are enough to completely erase the fact that you’ve ever been heartbroken because you’ll probably be vomiting or passing out at each turn.

If you’ve not cried since the breakup, remember that no one knows you at Kibuye, so don’t hold back. Blast some "abcdefu" kind of song and shed your crocodile tears. And if you’re worried crying is only a woman's go-to breakup routine, then you need to check-in therapy because men too can cover themselves in blankets, cry all night and decide to be emotionally unavailable just like women.

Take military lessons. Let each shot remind you of the irony that you once told your ex you’d take a bullet for them.

Take a bunch of LSD pills, and unleash your creative street painting on the Ministry of Culture's headquarter building. You’ll probably go to jail, but at least you’ll be remembered as the hero who brought the fight against the “umuco gang” off Twitter and in the actual streets.

Self examine your love tendencies and reinvent yourself, all in front of a cold pack of beers.

Make it a routine to criticise other couples on Instagram and quote-tweeting their pictures with “it will end in tears.” It might not help your case, but boy, does it feel good.

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. So, call back all the people who seemed to be interested in you back when you were wasting time in your relationship, and have tons of unprotected sex. If there are none, might I suggest Tinder? It might have scarred me, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try modern prostitution if need be.

Realise that all you’ve been doing for months is avoid the problem, and your gym membership is going to waste since you’ve been there only twice. Find a therapist you can pay half the money to and get help figuring out the disruptive and destructive patterns that have led you to follow the instructions in this blog.

Have a couple of friends that have been in the same situations, and together start a gallery of broken hearts. Where anyone can dump whatever's left from their past relationships. You’ll not only be helping yourself and others, but you’ll also be securing the bag off people’s pain. Count me in.

Tom Peters once said: “Celebrate what you want to see more of.” You’ve earned now the right to drink properly for your achievements since you actually pulled through. And if you’re still not over the heartbreak, celebrate still.

You have been through hell, and the universe is not stopping anytime soon, so enjoy the little light you’re getting, the progress, the experience that’s now opening your eyes to be more careful, and to future endeavours that will definitely involve more heartbreaks.

Remember, even Khloe Kardashian is still putting up a fight despite, well, you know who.

Heartbreaks are harsh, brutal and lonely. You can’t help yourself but fall in love every day. I get it, that’s me too. But instead of whining about it every time we meet or making irrational decisions of begging them for another chance, why not celebrate these fucked up sentiments the best way you can.

For in-person help, please contact “+250 784 SEX-IS-KEY” this February and I’ll be right there to give you my unsolicited support. Preferably girls, though.

Chase happiness, don't let the loss define you.