Surely It's the Ass, Right?

Before we begin this article, keep in mind that both women and men have asses. The only difference is size. I also suspect you already have an opinion of what this piece will be about. And I swear on my ass' name, that you are right.

And yes, my ass has a name, it’s called Judy.

When I had the idea of writing this piece, I was in this feel-good bubble of fame from writing about sex a lot and thus, having my DMs looking like a Kinyatrap concert stage. But as the people close to me started varying topics whenever I was around and centering them on sex and the people they were smashing, I realized almost everyone at my age spiralled over two things, money and sex.

Getting paper, getting pussy or dick, and getting a little love. Little, because no Rwandan will ever testify they met love. They would instead go to jail.

So, I set out to understand why my fellow compatriots and I, in this den of horniness, spent most of our time pursuing sex and love so hard none of us was afraid of a pandemic to interfere in our pursuit of getting naked.

In an infamous research paper done by an eighth-grader in Kimisagara, which by now, you realized is really not a paper but more of a TikTok video. Proved that half the male population of the world after high school--and a small number within--spend a quarter of their day flirting, sexting, lusting and fantasizing about girls.

For some, this pursuit is merely about scoring and fucking, and for others, completely and utterly about FUCKING. Ha! I bet you thought love was involved, didn't you? Well, jokes on both of us because I did too.

Some time ago, people realized that going after the other gender needn't be explicitly about love and marriage. They could meet at parties or museums (odd I know), or in my case, simply enter the room smelling like Rihanna (as if you losers could), fornicate and leave. Or keep hitting the jackpot but without any form of commitment whatsoever.

I will put my hand on fire, not literally, and say that the reason behind our endless sliding in each other's DMs and the urge to ask for sex resides in an intense prescription drug named lust. And what do we lust about often? Well, body features.

Body shape has increasingly been the real motive for most pursuits and loss of time for many people. Messages like "Damn, they got a fat ass!", or "I heard he has a big dick.", or even "Look at her boobs, dawg." and many more of my own Snapchat messages goes to show I might be onto something here. But also that if I mention other men's dicks that often, I should definitely reassess my identity.

In the era of social media, where I could take months lusting over bikini pictures and insane bodies before summing up the courage to text their owners a "Hey", it seems our drive resides most on the pretty face, big boobs, six-packs and of course, curvy ass.

With exceptional case scenarios, within which wealthy men with bellies and personalities take the lead. And even though I solemnly believe that is how we truly love the real person, I'm afraid we are blind to this effect and only have one target in mind, to get laid.

And if some of y'all don't agree, well, it goes to show you have nothing to do this good day despite the open clubs, churches or booty calls you could have made and chose to read my piece, so shall we proceed.

Despite my previous remarks, this profound section of our lives isn't merely caused by our desire to only fuck, because we often find people we fall for and want to hold tight forever. However, to get a glimpse of such a life, you gotta flirt, seduce and go on dates. Hence, a whole generation stuck on their phones all day calling each other baes and boos. Which could actually be a good rhyme in a song or a cheer for when Messi scores against Ronaldo.

But if movies are any indication, this new way to do it isn't exactly healthy. We literally get more boners than any other generation that preceded us.

In the past, sure, a whole lotta people were pursuing the same things as we do today. But the difference was, they would chase one and only one person, unlike us, whose talking stage takes too long to fruit that we find ourselves side chicks and backup plans, to hopefully, give us the pleasures we so desire faster.

Hence, everyone is always up late at night in what seems like an Arsenal team since no one is scoring shit.

In addition, this new trend by girls to rub their most attractive body features in our faces frankly complicates things. For if you look at artists like Cardi B, or Megan thee Stallion or the sexy insta models on our feed, it all comes down to bragging lyrics and pictures about how perfect their asses and boobs are and how surely, we losers can never touch them.

While you have all the right in the world to do so, might I remind you that we boys out here are ready to dig graveyards for money or up our games just so we could be able to have you in our beds?! Thus, never pausing our pursuit because our consciousness tells us that if we remotely look away, then we’d watch our most unattainable prizes pass us by in a Ferrari that a rich and cheating uncle bought them.

I don't know if this is all because we now can see more ass than before or that ladies know what ticks men and resort to perfecting themselves with surgeries. But I hope there is someone out here doing it for the sheer feelings of love. Please, I can't be alone in this game again.

Don't get me wrong, I do want some ass too, but however big and curvy it may be *whew* it can't be the only reason we check our phones first thing in the morning when our boners are close to tearing our boxers, right?

And I hope this progressive change wasn't caused by fear of heartbreaks since everyone is asking everyone out, or because people like me, and I mean celebrities, want to surround ourselves with photoshop-edited people causing you to feel the need to follow suit. Because if it is, you ought to take full advantage and stack your body count up.

Do you know what I ended up realizing in all those convos with my peers? That it takes more than just body shape or a mellow ass to attract us to people. It might matter most if we want to let off steam, but when it comes to love? Personality is the key shareholder. The other person's vibes, their mind, whether they make you feel proud or inspired, and if they sometimes stare at you and time stands still. And yes, I'm in love, and she wants to grab my ass more.

But mostly, it's the ass. It's always about the ass now.

*chuckles*

Love is much more than a sting for pleasure. It's Inferno, one of a kind and hence, not around so much. Like unicorns or a black pope. But that's what makes it all worth it, and frankly, this whole dilemma of filling our phones with heart emojis and LOLs when none is actually laughing would be more justified.

So, before this lifestyle is changed, for I know it will, I bet your ass (pun intended) that I will now flirt with women like they are not just a pair of "face" and "body" because respect gives more pussy. At least, I think so.

Imagine that article in the New Times: "Previously proclaimed Last Virgin standing promises to flirt with respect in hopes to get more ass."

It surely rolls off the tongue.

*Happy New Year everyone, may you get laid a lot and find love!

I will return, hopefully!*