My Deserved future: A Rediscovery
- Patrick Shyaka
- Nov 6, 2018
- 7 min read
You wonder what you’ll become. You wake up, plan your future and follow your dreams. That’s what everyone does, well not me.
Someone once told me that acquiring knowledge and knowing how to share it, is and always will be beautiful than what money can bring, because there your knowledge brings people together and be amazed if not intrigued, either way you are known and appreciated. What you tell are not just stories, they actually change people. He also told me that the biggest sharing of your mind is your vulnerability and insecurities, that part that every person tends to hide from the eyes of others, that part that we think might just kill our reputation or career, that part we are so afraid of ; You have to be vulnerable if you want people to know you are amazing. He was true and he was wise. My biggest insecurity is not having a great future.
This is a story of Robert Jebediah Freeman, a man i relate most to, an old man living an endless life of wishes that won’t happen soon enough, why? because he is a fictional character! From an animation series(Boondocks). And obviously this is my personalization story through it. A great version i believe.
Futures are all about dreams, making up your mind about them and then following them. I love dreaming, it gives me a sense that my life is not fucked up as I think it is, this feeling gives me a lot of cheers enough amazing to blush me out of my reality. It’s good to live like this but certainly not okay because I then spend days my head in the skies, and not realizing life’s challenges that I must face to actually live those dreams. Which brings me to the second part of choosing one of my many dreams and making up my mind to pursue it. this is really not hard, it demands integrity of knowing that i should start my real life’s probable purpose, a will to actually do it and help. And then starting point, this is hard. acquiring efforts to step out and start facing all sorts of challenges from yourself, peers or anything else is extremely condensing. i need focus, determination and a lot and a lot of work. However, what i seen in me makes me scared, tormented at some point to be a nobody at all and to achieve nothing. This feeling is common to me though, I see myself now and just conclude that i can never do anything important, my parents do, and at the end of the day it’s all my fault and i can’t do shit about it. Things are already hard when you have no vision, to then complain on having many you can’t handle but just stare.
You wanted personal, well here it is. I am a kid as others happy, sad, tired from nothing, confused, unsatisfied, straight out of comics and mostly a looser; but now that I think of it those are not characteristics of most kids, just a few that you probably don’t know because everyone change masks every day and every time. People mostly ask me my age and back then I did tell them but they laughed at me because no one my age wouldn’t have sick haircuts and beard and that was humiliating because I didn’t. So now I just tell them I’m old enough to drink beer, talk about my problems and then move on. When they ask me the kinds of problems i could possibly have, i sit back and say ” I am just a no good fella”. I think i stole that from a cowboy down Texas a year ago, but no doubt it just works perfectly.
Over the years growing, you learn that what you have as problems or fears were someone else’s torments too, luckily you know them and walk by you through the whole processes and if not, you discover your own way of handling them. i chose giving up. kept asking myself the point of all of this grasping matters of growing, being responsible, doing something in life, it just didn’t make sense. And for moments, i relaxed. When people say they have mental health problems, depression or any other disease that are ravaging as i hear them, I just say bullshit, because all these people have exact same explanations of not showing who they really are. what they say is true at least all of us do the same, but that’s not depression or mental problem, it’s living underachieved dreams where you can. I do that, I dream everyday of what I’ll be in the near future or what I could be if I did this or did that, but as I don’t do something about them, i fall into lying to the ones who don’t know me, and show them i’m achieved. they say that the world continue to live because of people like us who dream too much of the unrealistic, that then other people come and make those dreams a living, they also say that you should choose more dreaming than living without any dream or reason. So I guess I’m on the good side, but does it matter if it ain’t going to get me somewhere. Giving up or lying ain’t the solution! going away from problems has never been an answer.
You probably saw the name JEBEDIAH from Robert Jebediah Freeman, names out of the common as their story. Kinda makes it funny. The name Freeman simplified in a free man, is the world’s greatest name across the planet, because in it you justify yourself for the need of becoming free, free from worries, pain, and everything that subordinates your whole mind to it. I come to realize that no one is really free of everything, i am surely not, i wish but i’m not. Looking back I’m only 20, i mostly complain of the little tasks i’m given, i regret too much as if i’m old, i also think that music is the only remedy of my mess and i want to be called Jebediah because it has a good rhythm on it. A future should be beautiful, that is what i want mine to be. i want to be free!
Over the years, after a couple shots of wine, and obviously self-development movies, i told myself i could be a better version of myself, i gave myself quotes to live by and role models to inspire me. I wrote a lot of feelings on paper and one of them was that “I don’t make good actions for money or fame, but whenever I meet pain I do whatever it takes”. I had a lot outstanding quotes that in sometimes led me out of my comfort zone and relive every emotion out here, but it doesn’t work anymore, i guess I’ve grown passed that. I’d give every last penny in my pocket to relive those magical days.
All in all, my vulnerability led me to my real passion and dream, ME. a little too selfish i suppose, but the only thing i might say is in my mind all day is just me; my mess, my purpose, who i am or the reason i’m a disaster and i can’t change no matter what; it’s no secret to the outside world. i’m like Robert( my character), old, regretting, wishing a better life and so little to worry about; all these are nonsense wishes that mostly will never happen, simply because the time he had to do it has ended, but my time to restart all over is just getting on point, am i lucky? not really, i’m thoughtful and knew when to stop, breath and see the world in a whole new view. You see my greatest act of faith these days will be to simply get up and face another day. And would just be it.
I am not as accomplished as most people seem to think (not the case of my parents though), it hurts because I seem to love it when they think that, but they are in truth. Life is miserable and i need to do something about it. I need to do something about my future, the future i deserve not the one chosen for me. The road to oldness is wet in its villages, being a man has no internship and surely no second chance. “I’ll do it once, i need to do it well”. If they ever told you your future is going to be bright, that’s because at that time who you were was so amazing that it was possible to achieve the brightness; but you changed so if you feel like no one understands you that’s because no one understands you, who you are now is a whole new experiment, life sucks to you, me and funnily to Robert Freeman because his life didn’t change at all, it stayed shitty and shitty. I learned to share one of my insecurities, to get them out there, you should too, it’s relieving and relaxing.
I over dream because i over sleep, my lazy ass doesn’t know i’m enough old to get out and become someone, the destiny awaits! I’ve been here long enough to know that no one makes it alone. I’ll do the right thing. All you read today is long and confusing, i talked about my insecurity of having many dreams and not knowing which one to choose and pursue, having to standout to become free and so much more!
My youth will be no longer misery, I hope that at least one person in the entire life sits down and say to me “I see a man who’s honorable, brave, loyal, who’s fulfilled his huge potential, a man who’s done something good with his life.” All my dreams and vision of changing the world would have paid off, all my works would have been worth it and my end days would be the best i’d ever live. if you only knew how scared I am for what the destiny brings along. I hope it brings me my deserved future.
Give me a redemption song!
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