My Name is Kigali and I Got Laid

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like you were a king? Superior to everybody? The air you breathe is made of pussy juice and sacred?

Have you EVER HAD SEX?

Yes, you guessed right, I got my V-card taken away too! Now I'm part of the gang! Do we call ourselves the gang?

Let me tell you, kids, if there was any doubt, being on this side of dick-swingers is way better than that other side where people wear khakis to work.

Granted, the grass is not greener than I hoped. I don’t even think there is any grass at all. Just shaved pubic hair and less white kind of milk women like to swallow and later feed to babies. Science is not sciencing.

It is, however, calm. No peer pressure to get your dick in someone’s daughter. No rush, just peace.

The point is, I finally did it. Mama, I did it!

I probably shouldn't be calling my mom in such… conditions. Seen that she would kill me if she found out that not only did I lose my virginity, but I also had sexual encounters with women of almost every alphabet to assure that no one ever denied I had sex.

I got witnesses, Michael. Your girlfriend is among them. Don’t worry, Michael can’t read for shit. He says reading is for losers with no bitches.

Who’s got bitches now, Michael?

Being the last virgin in this city was not as chill as people thought. I was called brave and nuts for sharing my story, but let's face it, you guys felt pitiful.

A friend of mine, a day after the "last virgin standing" came out, prophesied to me that I would have lost my virginity precisely in August the following year. I hated her for not offering her gorgeous body instead of becoming a cheap "Paul the Apostle".

But guess what? It happened shortly after. So far, I have tried the bathroom sex, the pity fuck, the “you’re that funny writer?” sex, and many more on the menu.

So, obviously, this article was long overdue.

Suggestions at one point were that I name it "Getting laid 101", and though I was excited to dive deep into the mystery of how to give head—which I've mastered by the way—, I realized everyone in this Kigali is very much aware of the intricacies of lovemaking. Hence why I was the last virgin.

We can also all agree that a better-suited expert in sex, like on the top of my mind, is Johnny Sins. Or any other pornstar. There are podcasts about it too, but I guess you can’t even listen to them, Michael.

Therefore, instead of Sexplaining anything, I would like to share what I learned when suddenly I asked for a tiny bit of pussy, and I received it like the lord always said it would be the case.

First up, it never goes as planned. The countless porn films and youtube tutorials I used to watch to understand women’s vaginas and how to fuck vanished the second I was in that room.

I forgot everything about the fact that you have to think of something weird to avoid cumming fast or that you should press charges if the prostitute decides to oversleep instead of leaving before sunrise.

I swear I thought I was going to fuck it up or ejaculate prematurely--which indeed happened. But I remembered all the months of hard work, flirting, sexting, sacred offerings to the witch in the neighbourhood, and the spirit of Pete Davidson to hold down a bad-bitch, and Voila!

I was again the man of her dreams if her dreams were 45 seconds long and had two breaks in them.

Next up, practice foreplay. Pulling out your throbbing dick at the very first second is just lazy fucking. Tease the woman, and let her tease you back. If you're unsure how to, I can help you in my upcoming podcast special “Fuck the shit out of her, respectfully” on all platforms early next year. Still workshopping the name.

There is so much I can tell you, kids. But know this, it will suck for the first time since you’re a beginner. But you will finally appreciate women's bodies, more importantly, the shaking of the ass when they whine. Having tasted what's in there, I can officially say that opening a strip club in Kigali needs to happen right now!

Last but not least, manage expectations. Don't lie to girls that you'll rock their world when we both know even your world rocks you like its bitch.

Also, use condoms. I didn’t, but that's why it’s a lesson.

Oh, kids, You never forget your first. She lingers in your mind like the smell of a tuna fish, and her wet second lips stagger on your mouth and your dick. You mistakenly call it love, but it’s just this new sensation you can’t quite put your finger on even though you fingered it many times.

I know y'all can notice coochie addiction talking.

I wish to tell you that the second or third person can change that, but the addiction shifts to the current partner or partners—if you’ve experienced a threesome like me. Oh, what? You thought I wasn't a big boy now? Bunch of Michaels.

Since most of you were sympathetic about my case a year ago, I will grant the roaming virgins in these streets some peace before laughing at them out loud, cursing, and judging them endlessly until the banner of shame forces them to get laid.

Because the truth is whatever the place or period, there will always be virgins either by choice or lack of opportunities. And might I remind you, getting laid regularly is better than staying a virgin. Argue with yourself.

For fuck sake, everyone is a hoe now. If you want to head to pound-town, simply ask. You might get slapped the shit out of, but it’s nothing you can’t recover from. Chris Rock is the living proof.

In closing, I would like to thank my friends, fans, and God, for the fact that I am here today, a new man. A sexy hardcore in-bed whore. One who is still afraid of shooting my shot out of fear of rejection and pathetically incapable of committing to a relationship.

But no longer a virgin! That’s the takeaway from this. I’m no longer a virgin!

No need for therapy anymore, Mom. Coochie is the answer now.

Was it the best thing that ever happened to me? Definitely! I still have a lot to try out, like anal sex and overcoming the gossips around my average dick and shitty stroke game that affects whether or not I'll get to taste that watermelon sugar again.

But as Captain America said, I can do it all day. The beautiful girls in this country better look out.

For now, I have a date. Hopefully, we'll work-out and work out (If you know what I mean).